Flood

an old familiar, dusty eyed smell,
the kids are out, sparking up,
i'm sitting out, mind drifting sober.
conversations abundant earlier,
now alone to collect my thoughts.
trying to figure out what i believe
and what i'm trying to convince
myself that i do.

be the change... easy thoughts,
difficult to live daily.
please guide me.

give, give, give.

how is it that i can want to live
a certain way so much,
but fail miserably every second?
how can i be so weak,
jaded, confused, pulled and bought?
why is it that sometimes
You aren't enough for me?
why do i think the way i do?

rain come down, cleanse me,
take away the me i know.
bring me back, rebuild me.
rain drops, blasts of light,
baby crying off in the distance.

mind drifts back to a simplier
and miserable time.
on that balcony, i was the kid
lighting up, head spinning.
watching the rain fall.
thoughts jumbled, disfunctional.
why did i deserve to get through that?
why do you love me,
a sinner, so much?

i've come so far, but no where at all.
still sitting here on the balcony,
watching the rain pour down on me.
please send Your flood...