Most people put their hope in earthly things: "money, possessions, people, greed, stuff"...but I don't think I really had hope in anything. Don't get me wrong, I wanted someone to "fix" me, but I didn't really want to work for it or seek out a solution. I wanted a quick and simple fix for all the shortfalls that I felt…for all the wrongs that I felt others had dealt me over the years. Basically, I wanted someone to tell me that I was right and good, and everything thing else was evil…that I was great and everyone else was crazy…and I wanted that to be the truth. I secretly wanted people to feel sorry for me…and if they wanted to hand me a million dollars in the process, that would be alright as well. In my mind, that would solve all my problems and worries…life would be wonderful and I’d have a genuine smile on my face for the first time in years.
This spiraled to a place of nightly drinking to escape the reality that I had placed myself in. The reality that I felt I was going nowhere, and even if I knew how to change that, I didn't have the desire to put the bottle down and make a move. I had no desire to change my own circumstance. I just wanted the sympathy. This place I had put myself into made me believe that this would be my life forever. A life of addiction…and of loneliness… and of anger…and of feeling I was owed something.
One cold night, while sitting alone on my 3rd floor balcony drinking, I remember reaching my breaking point, my bottom...I couldn't keep going like this. I cried out to God and told Him I was finished...I was broken...I couldn't live like that anymore. It was either real life change or death for me...there was no other way out. I stood up, walked inside, and grabbed a Bible off my bookshelf. I returned back to the cold floor of my balcony and opened the book. I had no idea what I was looking for (since I never really read it), so I just opened it to a ‘random’ place; Philippians 4. I sat there, squinting to make out the words under the dim light from the far off moon and humming flood lights around me. What I read broke me to my very core:
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” – Philippians 4:4-13
After reading those words, I knelt on the cold ground, put my face down to the floor, and wept. I cried out to God, and this was His answer to me. I asked Him to take control of my life...to make me new. That only He could save me...make me into the person that He had created me to be. And there I stayed, for an hour, bent over on the ground, crying to God, speaking to Him, praising Him.
That was 6 years ago, and I'm blessed to say that my life has never been the same since. I still have my struggles, I've had my share of difficult times...but the difference is that I know God is here...He loves me even in my worst of moments...He was the Savior I needed all along. He is love, and He is all I ever need. He chose to have His son Jesus die for me, and for all of us, so that no matter the trouble we get into, no matter the pain we feel or inflict on others, no matter how far we run from Him, we are loved all the same, we are forgiven, and we are given the same promise for those who choose Him over all else.
My story doesn't end there. Because ultimately; this story isn't mine, but His. Jesus called us to love all, and in order to know love, we must know Him. He alone is love. He showed us the way…and called us to share His love with the world.
Are you hurting? Alone? Angry? Seeking something greater? Feeling like nothing ever really satisfies? You are not alone…I’ve been there...there is hope!
“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” –Ephesians 2:1-10
