You Are My Joy

as katy can attest to, i fall in the catagory of the 71% of americans who sing while driving. i love singing, fully knowing that i can't hold a pitch to save my life. i don't care about what i sound like...i just enjoy the freedom of it all. there is one song in particular, you are my joy by david crowder*band that really gets me going. i beat the steering wheel (horribly out of rhthym) and sing at the top of my lungs (again, horribly out of tune). ryan gets a huge kick out of being in the car with me for moments just like these...and katy does too...sometimes!

lately, i've been trying to find the joy in all things, not just the obvious ones. it's amazing just how many things God puts in my life during every moment of everyday for me to find joy in. from the picture on my desk of katy and i to serve as a constant reminder of just why i work so hard at my job, to the birds and airplanes that fly overhead and amaze me, to the music i listen to and find comfort and pleasure in. thanks for the joy...

ps: please say a little prayer for my mom...she's having back surgery today. thanks!

And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.

With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.

And he set me on fire and I am burning alive.

With his breath in my lungs I am coming undone.

And I cannot hold it in

Remain composed.

Love's taken over me

So I propose the letting myself go.

I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.

You are my joy.

You are my joy.

You are my joy.

And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.

With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.

And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive.

With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone.

And I cannot hold it in and remain composed.

Love's taken over me and so I propose the letting myself go.

I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.

You are my joy.

You are my joy.

You are my joy.

I need to catch my breath, I need to.

I need to catch my breath, give me a moment now.

You are my joy.

You are my joy.

You are my joy.

You are my joy.

I'm laughing so hard

And I'm laughing so hard

And I'm laughing so hard

With A Shrug Of The Shoulders

why do we do the things we do?

why do we spend our whole lives working so hard

doing things that bring us no joy?

when is enough, enough?

how long must we go on feeling like the world's weight

is pressing down on our shoulders?

when will the stressed,

worn-out feeling stop?

when will we catch our breath?

when will the 40+ hours all seem worth it?

what keeps us where we are?

laziness? money? fear?

outside pressure of what others may say?

lack of focus? no clue what it is that'll make a difference?

what will bring us joy?

"no idea?", we all say,

with a shrug of the shoulders...

The Good, The Bad, and The Memories

katy and i are preparing to move out of our apartment soon, so we've spent whatever free time we've had lately cleaning our old drawers and closets, packing bags upon bags of old or out-grown clothes for goodwill, boxing up books, canned goods, picture frames and photos, etc...you know, typical moving stuff.

well, it seems that every time i move, i find things that remind me of times long forgotten...old photos, cards, souviners and things i've written. i always enjoy thinking back on my life at those times. looking at each of those items, my mind can go back to the exact moment, day and emotion of the event. some were good, some were painful, but all were real, and all made me who i am now. perhaps it's just me thinking that each event was more significant that it was, but i imagine that if it wasn't for each and every one of those seemingly random events, i probably wouldn't be typing this right now.

often times we seem grateful for all the wonderful things that have happened to us in our lives, all the things that God has graced us with. we dig through an old drawer, read a dusty journal, find a box under the bed or discover that lost treasure in the back of the closet, and we can instantly go back to a time...whether it be 20 years ago or 20 days ago. our minds recreate the event, often times recalling in great detail what we were wearing or what the air smelled like that day. it's amazing what our brains can remember about something significant in our past, how enjoyable the time was, how much the person loved you or how impactful the event may have been...and for those times, we're grateful.

then there's those items, those triggers, that recall all the painful things in our past. the photos of loved ones who are no logner with us, the vacation destinations we miss and wish to return to, the letters from people who broke our hearts or the journal entries we wrote with those same torn hearts. it's amazing how our minds can recreate those times also. we can still feel the loss, the pain, the heartache, as if it's real all over again.

but how often are we grateful for those times? how often do we think back and say "wow, i'm really glad that happened!" i imagine now often enough. but why not? i think it's those things that make us who we are also. those events can never happen again. they were unique, one of a kind, never to occur again. perhaps in the history of mankind, those moments will equate to nothing...but i imagine that in the history of each of us, every one of those events and occurances will speak volumes.

sure, you can live by the old cliche, "if it wasn't for the bad, how would we know the good"...but in the whole scheme of things, that really means nothing. i think that line was just muttered to some guy having a bad day. why does no one say, "if it wasn't for the good, how would we know the bad"? i mean, in reality, it means exactly the same thing. and neither one adds up to much of anything in my mind.

the good and the bad are real entities, real events and circumstances, not just a few words uttered under some guys breath. they really exist, and they make each of us unique and each of our story's amazing. i really am grateful for ALL the times i've had in my life, all the old photos i've kept and poems i've written. i know the good and the bad have made me who i am today, and i know it's because of all those events that i am writing this today...

Easy Silence

all dixie chicks freedom of speech issues aside, this song really soothes me when things seem congested, hectic, over-whelming. whether the "creater of peace" is a friend, loved one, spouse or The Almighty Himself...doesn't matter. i like to think that the person who "keeps the world at bay" is inter-changable.




when the calls and conversations
accidents and accusations
messages and misperceptions
paralyze my mind

busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
burning fumes of gasoline
and everyone is running
and I come to find a refuge in the

easy silence that you make for me
it's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
and the peaceful quiet you create for me
and the way you keep the world at bay for me
the way you keep the world at bay

monkeys on the barricades
are warning us to back away
they form commissions trying to find
the next one they can crucify

and anger plays on every station
answers only make more questions
i need something to believe in
breathe in sanctuary in the

easy silence that you make for me
it's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
and the peaceful quiet you create for me
and the way you keep the world at bay for me
the way you keep the world at bay

children lose their youth too soon
watching war made us immune
and I've got all the world to lose
but I just want to hold on to the

easy silence that you make for me
it's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
and the peaceful quiet you create for me
and the way you keep the world at bay for me

the easy silence that you make for me
it's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
and the peaceful quiet you create for me
and the way you keep the world at bay for me
the way you keep the world at bay for me
the way you keep the world at bay

Homeless

homeless people fascinate me. for some reason, they've found a special place in my heart. perhaps it's because i'm a couple paychecks away from being there too. perhaps it's because Jesus was homeless. perhaps it's because i've seen people i love show compassion and mercy towards them. perhaps it's because my grandfather complains about them (as a general rule of thumb i disagree with everything he says: tiger woods, city parks, highway construction, etc.), or perhaps it's because i've seen amazing examples of love carried out by these homeless people.

over the past several months i've watched one homeless lady in particular on blanco road near my office receive food and drink on a daily basis from passerby's. she got a blueberry muffin from me this morning, she thanked me and placed it next to her taco cabana breakfast taco and pint of 2% milk. as i walked away, she carried on with her typical routine, feeding the pigeons around her with some of the bread that she had received. i see her feeding these birds on a regular basis, and it always puts a smile on my face. everytime it amazes me how someone with so little can still give...and then it makes me realize that i don't give nearly enough.

more recently, i have come across a homeless man near i-10 and fredricksberg road that will wash people's windshields for money. he walks around, glass cleaner and newspaper in hand, ready for anyone to waive him over. this man makes me smile too, he's not just begging for money, he's willing to work for it. a couple weeks ago i was over in the area and stopped at the traffic light where he 'works'. i waived him over, told him i didn't need my windshield cleaned, just wanted to give him a few dollars. he graciousy thanked me, looked up, said a quick prayer to Jesus and went about his way, looking for other dirty windshields. after he walked away, i glanced over to where he keeps his belongings, on a concrete retaining wall, in the shade of the highway above. directly next to his few possessions is a traffic sign directing all drivers in the left lane that they must turn left. written between the words on this sign by someone was the following, "stop giving money to these heroin addicts". reading that broke my heart. how could someone be so cruel, so narrow-minded, so heartless...

then it dawned on me... i use to be that person. i was the one who complained about all the homeless beggers with their cardboard signs looking for a handout. i was the one saying, "why should i give them money, all they're going to do is buy beer." i was the one thinking in my head, "why don't you go get a job". i was the cruel, narrow-minded and heartless one. so what changed? how can i love the ones i use to hate? why do i now feel guilty when i have no money on me to give the smelly, rude, angry man on the side of the road? why? because i've learned the power of grace. i've received it, just as we all have. none of us are worthy of what God has given us...we're all sinners, we're all beggers. but yet, He loves us anyway. you, me, bird lady and windex guy. we're all His children and we're all loved...

Dry The Rain

this song is called dry the rain by the beta band. there’s a scene in the movie high fidelity that this song is played, and the reaction by the people hearing it is right on with how i feel when i hear it. at first it’s just kinda there, in the background. then you realize that your nodding your head back and forth, but you’re not sure why. then you start to hear the melody, your head still nodding, now with a relaxed feeling running through your body. i always imagine myself at the beach when i hear this song…just sitting there, feet in the sand, sun on my skin, with the crash of the waves in the background melodically running through my ears. sitting there, with a relaxed feeling running through my body, and my head nodding back and forth…



it came to my attention while searching for the lyrics to this song, that there are multiple intrepertations of the lyrics... there is one repetative line in the song that i always thought was "i will be alright". well, it turns out that there are several times that the lead singer might instead sing "i will be your light". the actual wording makes no difference to me. in most instances, i do usually try to listen to what is being sung, but that's not the case this time. like i said, this song puts me in a different place. i honestly think the words could be sung in russian and it would make no difference... there's something about the music composition itself that gets me, much like a radiohead song. enjoy the russian!

This is the definition of my life
Lying in bed in the sunlight
Choking on the vitamin tablet
The doctor gave in the hope of saving me
In the hope of saving me

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain the rain
The rain the rain the rain now

Dusty brown boots in the corner
By the ironing board
Spray on dust is the greatest thing
Sure is the greatest thing
Since the last since the last

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain the rain
The rain the rain the rain now

I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
The rain the rain the rain now

If there's something inside that you wanna say
Say it out loud it'll be okay
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright

If there's something inside that you wanna say
Say it out loud it'll be okay
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will alright
I will be alright

I need love, yeah
I need love

If there's something inside that you wanna say
Say it out loud it'll be okay
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright

If there's something inside that you wanna say
Say it out loud it'll be okay
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright

I need love
I need love

Come Awake

the shuffle setting on the iPod is an amazing thing. quite often, it seems to know exactly what song i want (or need) to hear. today was no exception. driving home from my mom and dad's house, and the shuffle selects a beauty. david crowder band's come awake, and it brought me to tears. it was exactly what i needed to hear. the past several days...i've seen so much heartache, pain, frustration, anger, hatred and confusion. i was at my breaking point, then i hear...

"Are we left here on our own?
Can you feel when your last breath is gone?
Night is weighing heavy now
Be quiet and wait for a voice that will say"

suddenly the tears are flowing...all the anger and heartache that i've seen for the past few days is spilling over. i know i can't do it anymore on my own. i'm weak. i need a release. so many questions. what can i possibly do to fix others problems? what can i take and learn from this? how can i be different? how can i fix everything? is it all beyond repair? then, the tears keep flowing, but the questions stop. i hear...

"Come awake, from sleep arise
You were dead, become alive
Wake up, wake up, open your eyes
Climb from your grave into the light
Bring us back to life
You are not the only one who feels like the only one"

suddenly, the questions are gone...the realization occurs, they were never relevant. my heart is on the mend. i know the road is a long one... but i've blocked out the disappointing shortcuts... i know there is no other option. there's only one that satisfies anyway. i know my role... i know why God put me here... i can hear Him speaking to me. there's no running from the cause, there's no hiding in the shadows. because...

"Night soon will be lifted, friend
Just be quiet and wait for a voice that will say
Rise, rise, to life, to life"

this night will end...tomorrow, dawn will come... an new day, a new chance to make things right. another chance to...

"Shine
Light will shine
Love will rise
Light will shine, shine, shine, shine
He’s shining on us now"

thanks God for loving me and for allowing me to see Your beauty through all the misery. there was a time not too long ago i would have forgotten about all that shines. thanks ryan for your encouraging words to help me get through the day. and thanks katy, my beautiful wife, for understanding me when i get frustrated, having compassion for what breaks my heart, for your shoulder to cry on and your hand to wipe away all my tears. you really don't know how much that means to me.

"you are not the only one who feels like the only one"

Stereo

today's song/video/lyrics are by a band called the watchmen. the song is called stereo... i first heard this song while living in austin about 8 years ago thanks to their alternative radio station, 101x. that was quite possibly the weirdest point in my life... i had dropped out of school, had no job, had no car, lived in a tiny efficiency apartment by myself, at biscuits or entire boxes of cookies as meals, played frisbee golf every friday afternoon with my cousin kyle, partied with my neighbors pretty much every night, etc.

every once in a while i get jealous of those college kids who get to go to school on their daddy's dime, never have to work, party all the time, etc. then i think back to my time spent in austin, and become instantly grateful that i didn't have that. i was a pretty irresponsible guy back in the day (and probably still am) and if i had all that, i know i wouldn't be here today.

but i digress... my point is, everytime i hear this song (which isn't often because this song would never be played in san antonio) i think back to a time in my life that will never be the same. there were plenty of good times mixed with plenty of the bad ones. i guess you could say that was my experience of college... that was my freedom... that was my living like life had no consequences for bad decisions... i'm grateful for that time to get away and find out who i was, or perhaps find out who i wasn't.



My life is a stereo
How loud does it go
What songs do I know
And what ever happened to my plans
What ever happened to life I thought I'd have

My life is a stereo
Kind of cheaply made though
How bad does it show
What ever did become of all my friends
What ever happened to the likes of all of them

My life is a stereo
Turn me on and let's go
Turn me up louder
I'll scream as loud and clear as I can scream
If you like what you're hearing please hang on to me

I like being here and I'm all hooked up wrong
Hang on to me though I'm one of a million
Please hang on to me

My life is a stereo
Out of phase but you know
Sixty cycles humming
And what ever happened to my friends
What ever happened to the likes of all of them

I like being here and I'm all hooked up wrong
Hang on to me though I'm one of a million
Please hang on to me

And my lights are like candles
I'm so afraid of new technology
I'm in the race and I don't to be
I'm so afraid of what's to come to be
I'm in the race and I don't to be

Life ends in stereo
Pack me up and let's go
Put me anywhere
Please don't think of leaving me behind
Whatever happens to you I'll get on just fine
One of a million

Before and After

so....our dog duncan got a much needed haircut on sunday... as evidence from the before and after photos below, it made quite the difference. the funny thing is, since he got home from the groomer, he's been moping around the house and in constant need of attention and affection (way more than usual). could it be that he's insecure with who he's suddenly become? perhaps the sudden disappearance of what he was most accustomed to and most know for (his crazy fur) has caused him to have some sort of puppy identity crisis? why not?! the same would happen if we were faced with a similiar situation, right? what if what you were most know for (your job, car, physical ability, or even your hair) was suddenly taken away...how would it change your short term outlook on life? you'd probably be moping around the house too, right!?

perhaps next time we'll just trim him up a little bit, rather than taking all his personality off at once! i don't think i can take much more of this sad guy!

stars

so, i decided that on fridays, in addition to anything else i may post, i'm gunna try to post a song, video, and lyrics of said song. it'll just be a song that's on my mind and heart, and perhaps one that you might not of heard.

i think quite a few people may know this one...it's stars by david crowder band. this is one of my favorite bands (thanks katy)...if you know them, you know why. if you don't, check 'em out. david crowder has a sincere, honest and humble quality about him that really seems to strike a place in my heart...plus his music is really good!

when i hear this song i think of all the beauty that's around us, and how often i get caught up in the hussle of the day and forget to look around and enjoy the beauty. it's almost like david crowder is telling all of us to slow down, look around and give thanks for all we have...the stars, the moon, the sun, the rain. and more than that, i think he's saying that we need to tell others about The Light. we all need to shine. then, it'll be alright...



you should see the stars tonight
how they shimmer shine so bright
against the black they look so white
comin down from such a height
to reach me now, reach me now

you should see the moon in the flight
cuttin cross the misty night
softly dancin in sunshine
reflections of this light
reach me now, you reach me now

and how could such a thing
shine its light on me
and make everything beautiful again

and you should feel the sun in the spring
comin out after a rain
suddenly all is green
sunshine on everything
i can feel it now, i feel you now

and how could such a thing
shine its light on me
and make everything beautiful

and you should hear the angels sing
all gathered round their king
more beautiful than you could dream
i've been quietly listening
you can hear 'em now, i hear em now

and how could such a king
shine His light on me
and make everything beautiful
and i wanna shine
i wanna be light
i wanna tell you it'll be alright
and i wanna shine and i wanna fly
just to tell you now
it'll be alright, it'll be alright
it'll be alright.

cus i got nothing of my own to give to you
but this light that shines on me shines on you
and makes everything beautiful, again.
it'll be alright, it'll be alright.