here's a story (click here and click here) that i've followed very closely, because this family is dear to my families heart. the amount of grace and forgiveness pouring out from this grieving family is an extraordinary example of God's love for us. i honestly don't know what else to say, besides that i wish more people would live like this, during the good times and the bad.
4.29.2008
Forgiveness
here's a story (click here and click here) that i've followed very closely, because this family is dear to my families heart. the amount of grace and forgiveness pouring out from this grieving family is an extraordinary example of God's love for us. i honestly don't know what else to say, besides that i wish more people would live like this, during the good times and the bad.
4.27.2008
12
i walked off the field,
16 years old, totally expecting be back the following year,
but things don't always work out as expected.
and so, just like that, it was over.
he grew up watching me.
good, bad, whatever.
he was there, trying to match.
little does he realize just how far he surpassed my achievements.
i remember sitting there,
watching a team of little feet running around in circles,
but he always knew where he was going.
the feet grew bigger, the circles straightened out,
but he always seemed to be one step ahead of the curve.
as he grew up, the others got older, bigger, stronger,
suddenly more talented.
but he kept his cool,
he knew his time would come.
through a handful of coaches
and countless errors and losses,
he sat there, observed, studied, learned.
then, like i always knew would happen, his day came.
many, many days in fact.
years of waiting, years of frustration,
years of anticipation and years of hope.
he was in, he was a leader,
he was prepared and he was amazing.
he taught me to care about the game again.
he reminded me of all i love about it.
he asked my opinion, i gave my advice,
but i think he knew the answers all along.
16 years old, totally expecting be back the following year,
but things don't always work out as expected.
and so, just like that, it was over.
he grew up watching me.
good, bad, whatever.
he was there, trying to match.
little does he realize just how far he surpassed my achievements.
i remember sitting there,
watching a team of little feet running around in circles,
but he always knew where he was going.
the feet grew bigger, the circles straightened out,
but he always seemed to be one step ahead of the curve.
as he grew up, the others got older, bigger, stronger,
suddenly more talented.
but he kept his cool,
he knew his time would come.
through a handful of coaches
and countless errors and losses,
he sat there, observed, studied, learned.
then, like i always knew would happen, his day came.
many, many days in fact.
years of waiting, years of frustration,
years of anticipation and years of hope.
he was in, he was a leader,
he was prepared and he was amazing.
he taught me to care about the game again.he reminded me of all i love about it.
he asked my opinion, i gave my advice,
but i think he knew the answers all along.
so, yesterday, he played like he's played for so long.
like he was always meant to play.
he played hard. he played well. he lead.
he was challenged, he challenged back even more.
he played like anyone would want to. he dominated.
he played with heart, he played the right way.
he was thanked by coaches and parents.
he was hugged by his fellow teammates.
perhaps, most importantly to me, he made me proud.
proud to say that i'm his brother.
proud to say he was the best i've ever seen play the game.
sometimes things do work out as expected.
and just like that, it was over.
4.24.2008
153 New Critical Objects
with wrath and love...why do we do the things we do?
why do you run, jonah...
was it really worth it?
a/c unit humming, cell phone buzzing...
how far have we come?
why are we still afraid?
do we not learn from our own history?
are we forgetful...
memories jumbled...
out of whack...
do we feel immune?
did you get the medicine...
pills... drugs...
antidote... liquor...
paperwork is piling up,
kids are screaming,
cell phone still buzzing,
dinner date, happy hour,
tee time and pta...
we've all got someone to satisfy.
we've all got someone to satisfy.
why do we fear death?
i suppose we all feel ill-prepared.
not ready to meet the end...
but since when is it our call?
tick-tock, tick-tock
bugs flying around...
whose cell phone keeps buzzing?
imprefections and do-overs...
scratch outs, back spaces and white out.
and we're the fortunate ones!
to be the bird...
or the life of a dog...
instead human, but awakened
from our collective slumber.
reality but a single line...
no one to win over...
to suck-up to.
no bills, no late fees...
no overdraft protection...
no cell phones ringing...
just the end.
just the wrath, just the love
all i am , all we are
love...
4.23.2008
God Grief
this was not written by me (which i'm sure you'll figure out shortly), but the thoughts david crowder creates are amazing. read, contemplate, apply if desired...
"there are some deaths, which upon occurance, arrest the considerations of the public at large. there is something concerning them - be it the public visibility of the individual, or the curiously unusual or wholly universal circumstances surrounding the death - that coerces our eyes and empathies in their general direction.
for me, the first cognitive recognition of this phenomenon was while sitting at the bar with my wife at the red lobster in waco, texas. we were waiting on a table. it was september 1, 1997. the televisions scattered around us announced that an english princess had died. grief ignited. a planet wept. and i cried right along. sitting there with cheese sticks and a dr pepper, i cried. which was weird; i didn't even know the princess.
the new york times reported that the posture of the massive crowds of mourners appeared to hold "something more latin than british... the intensity of people's words and actions; a largely protestant culture that epitomizes restrain and values privacy was galvanized by a need to display its powerful emotions publicly"1
as a funeral procession advanced through the corridor of overt grief that lined kensington high street winding toward westminster abbey, we joined the crowd through television sets and radio broadcasts, newspapers and magazines. physical distance overcome by empathetic proximity, or the transferable nearness of emotional presence. our conversations became occupied with the grieving of a stranger. death bringing unity. uniting us. pulling us together. if only to bewail someone we did not really know. in excess of a million bouquets, garlands, sprays of flowers, cards, and signs bearing our sentiments lay resting in front of royal palaces. questions came from the mourners: how could someone attempting such good die so dreadfully in twisted metal and concrete? did it have to come so unforeseen and immediate? was this real? was she really gone? how can she be gone?2 their princess who would never be their queen.
within minutes of four pistol shots being fired outside a new york city apartment located at the corner of seventy-second street and central park west, crowds gathered outside the historic dakota residence and the roosevelt hospital mourning the death of john lennon. there was columbine. there was oklahoma city. there was another new york day, in another september of a more recent year - more twisted metal and concrete. more crowds. more collective tears.
there are these moments when we all cry at once.
you know how sometimes in the middle of the summer when rain has been scarce and the sun has been hot, the ground dry and cracked, and a storm hits? the water comes fast and in torrents, sounding its arrival with claps of thunder and cracks in the sky. it's all too much for the soil to hold, and then suddenly, violently there is a flood. grief arrives with this force. it is itself a force, coming on unstoppable, leaving no one safe from it. once upon a time, we almost drowned from the grief of God.3
1 the new york times, september 7, 1997, internalt. ed.: 1.
2 kurt fosso, buried communities, p. ix.
3 Genesis 6:6-7
"there are some deaths, which upon occurance, arrest the considerations of the public at large. there is something concerning them - be it the public visibility of the individual, or the curiously unusual or wholly universal circumstances surrounding the death - that coerces our eyes and empathies in their general direction.
for me, the first cognitive recognition of this phenomenon was while sitting at the bar with my wife at the red lobster in waco, texas. we were waiting on a table. it was september 1, 1997. the televisions scattered around us announced that an english princess had died. grief ignited. a planet wept. and i cried right along. sitting there with cheese sticks and a dr pepper, i cried. which was weird; i didn't even know the princess.
the new york times reported that the posture of the massive crowds of mourners appeared to hold "something more latin than british... the intensity of people's words and actions; a largely protestant culture that epitomizes restrain and values privacy was galvanized by a need to display its powerful emotions publicly"1
as a funeral procession advanced through the corridor of overt grief that lined kensington high street winding toward westminster abbey, we joined the crowd through television sets and radio broadcasts, newspapers and magazines. physical distance overcome by empathetic proximity, or the transferable nearness of emotional presence. our conversations became occupied with the grieving of a stranger. death bringing unity. uniting us. pulling us together. if only to bewail someone we did not really know. in excess of a million bouquets, garlands, sprays of flowers, cards, and signs bearing our sentiments lay resting in front of royal palaces. questions came from the mourners: how could someone attempting such good die so dreadfully in twisted metal and concrete? did it have to come so unforeseen and immediate? was this real? was she really gone? how can she be gone?2 their princess who would never be their queen.
within minutes of four pistol shots being fired outside a new york city apartment located at the corner of seventy-second street and central park west, crowds gathered outside the historic dakota residence and the roosevelt hospital mourning the death of john lennon. there was columbine. there was oklahoma city. there was another new york day, in another september of a more recent year - more twisted metal and concrete. more crowds. more collective tears.
there are these moments when we all cry at once.
you know how sometimes in the middle of the summer when rain has been scarce and the sun has been hot, the ground dry and cracked, and a storm hits? the water comes fast and in torrents, sounding its arrival with claps of thunder and cracks in the sky. it's all too much for the soil to hold, and then suddenly, violently there is a flood. grief arrives with this force. it is itself a force, coming on unstoppable, leaving no one safe from it. once upon a time, we almost drowned from the grief of God.3
1 the new york times, september 7, 1997, internalt. ed.: 1.
2 kurt fosso, buried communities, p. ix.
3 Genesis 6:6-7
Recycler
while people here in san antonio may dislike the phoenix suns, it's hard to dislike steve nash. afterall, we're the team who gave him the bloody nose and hip check into the scorers table (with a bit of acting by nash). nash is a scrappy canadian, a fan of universal health care and a protector of the environment.
"steve nash, the two-time most valuable player, released a commercial tuesday, which was earth day, promoting his new nike sneaker, the "nike trash talk," which is made of recycled materials.
nash's production company, meathawk, produced the spot, which features nash as the "$60 million man" and plays on his numerous on-court collisions.
"i'm the first athlete ever to wear a recycled high-performance shoe," nash said, "and since today is earth day, i created a viral commercial for the shoe. filmmaking, obviously, with my production company, is a passion of mine, and the environment is a passion of mine, too. to put the two together is a lot of fun.""
-mike monroe, san antonio express news
nash's production company, meathawk, produced the spot, which features nash as the "$60 million man" and plays on his numerous on-court collisions.
"i'm the first athlete ever to wear a recycled high-performance shoe," nash said, "and since today is earth day, i created a viral commercial for the shoe. filmmaking, obviously, with my production company, is a passion of mine, and the environment is a passion of mine, too. to put the two together is a lot of fun.""
-mike monroe, san antonio express news
4.17.2008
Music For The Ages
in 2002, author michael azerrad wrote our band could be your life. this book chronicled 13 indie bands from the '80's that compromised the musical underground. bands such as: the minutemen, mission of burma, sonic youth, big black, etc. azerrad felt these bands were a direct response to the likes of def leppard, tesla, bon jovi and other 'mainstream' bands. in an interview, azerrad was asked to speculate on the differences between a kid who went to a black flag show at the moose lodge (read: small venue) and a kid who went to a van halen concert at the forum (read: large auditorium) on the very same night. here is his response:
"obviously, the kid at the black flag show is a bit of an independent, investigative thinker. he or she probably had to read about black flag in a fanzine, and he or she can look past glossy production to see the gist of a band. that takes a certain independence of thought and a leap of imagination. someone who makes their way to a black flag concert in 1981 is obviously different then the kind of kid who's at van halen, because the van halen kid only reads mainstream publication and listens to the radio, so that's all he knows. for the person who goes to the black flag show, music is probably more important to them. but that's not a value judgement about them as a human being."
but isn't it? how can you tell me that the kid who goes to the black flag show appreciates music more because he had to do more research? while it's very possible that these two hypothetical kids like black flag and van halen for completely different reasons, isn't it also completely possible that they like these bands for the exact same reason too? and that reason would be, because in their minds they are saying "these guys freaking rock!!!"
bottom line is, it's up to the individual listener. if they think it rocks, then it rocks. below are some examples of music that has 'rocked' my life:
guns n roses - appetite for destruction - 1987 - i got this cassette for Christmas, and it changed my life forever. instantly, i feel in love with it. it rocked! i had no idea what any of the songs were really about 'til years later. to me, the meaning of the song was, and still is unimportant - what's important is the childhood memory of listening to and loving rock n roll.
bon jovi - new jersey - 1988 - i loved this album because it was almost tough enough to be rock n roll - but my sister liked it - so that combination made it cool. side note about my sister's (jennifer's) musical taste - she use to have an entire wall in her bedroom full of new kids on the block pics cut out of tiger beat and bop! so perhaps my memory of her taste in music is a bit off, but bon jovi still rocks!
alabama - mountain music - 1982 - i borrowed (without asking) one of their cassettes from my aunt toni years ago - this instantly became my favorite country group - i even went as far as to imagine that my friends and i were in the band. random side note of aunt toni...my family use to frequent a bar called the outdoorsman...that's right, a child in a bar, big whoop. it was more of a living room than a bar. anywho, i use to love playing shuffleboard, but before she "allowed" me to play, i had to sit on her lap as she played survivor's eye of the tiger on the jukebox...and i'd have to sing every word to her beforehand. in my childhood memory, this situation occured approximately 487 times, but in reality it was probably closer to 2. gotta love a child's imagination!
fine young cannibals - good thing - 1989 - back when my cousin mary katherine was an infant we all (jodey, susan, jacob, amy, kyle, mary katherine, jennifer and myself) piled into the burkholders surburban and headed for lake lbj. about halfway into the drive, good thing comes on the radio... instantly everyone gets "sleeping baby" excited. you know, when there's a baby sleeping, but you want to celebrate and make noise, so you bounce around in excitement without making any actual noise. well, during the chorus, there is repetitive clapping in the song...well, guess who doesn't know how to "sleeping baby" clap...yours truly. needless to say, i was excited, clapped as loud as possible, and woke up mary katherine. to this day i can't hear that song without bringing back memories of evil looks i received after waking a sleeping child...and perhaps this is why i can't clap on beat.
c&c music factory - gunna make you sweat - 1990 - a quick hit and off they were, but gunna make you sweat (everybody dance now) was a hit at an imporant time in my life. see, girls liked c&c, i liked girls, thus i liked c&c - everybody dance now!
screaming trees - sweet oblivion - 1992 - this was the first CD i ever bought (read: that i convinced my mom to buy me, thanks mom!)...and to this day its still one of my all time favorite albums. just opening that CD case for the first time. i can still smell the way the disc, plastic case and paper lyrics & liner notes smelled for the first time. i will never forget that smell.
hum - you'd prefer an astronaut - 1995 - i will always attribute this album to my last boring, jobless summer. i listened to this album practically every single day that summer. i'd sit at home, pop that cd in the stereo and play TPC golf all day. occasionally i'd switch it out for the nixons- foma - 1995 - but i always went back to my favorite. another random side note: my friend joe use to have a band in college up at baylor called identikit. my friend rick and i went up there a couple times to check them out, party, etc. everytime we saw them live, they played a song called stars, by hum. i had always loved this song...it was by far the best song on the album (and is now in the new cadillac commercial with kate walsh (the red head) from grey's anatomy and private practice). one night after his show i asked him why he decided to play a cover of stars over any other song. his answer blew me away at the simplicity of it. "because it's a cool song". i suppose that the point of this entire blog. if the listener thinks it's cool, the it's cool.
tripping daisy - i'm an elastic firecracker - 1995 - reminds me of my junior year of high school...and i can't listen to nada surf - high/low - 1996 - without recalling countless memories from my senior year. in fact, i'm sure if i tried hard enough, i could probably find an album that would sum up practically every year of my life...trip along...
one of my favorite movies of all time, high fidelity, introduced me to a couple bands that i instantly fell in love with... belle and sebastian - tigermilk - 1996 - and the beta band - the three EPs - 1998 - now, i probably never would have heard of these 2 bands if it wasn't for this movie, so that is just an added bonus to an already great movie. quickly, high fidelity is a movie about love, music and the love of music...plus john cusack is in it, so it can't be that bad, right. unfortunately, bands like belle and sebastian and the beta band would never be played on the radio in san antonio, except for perhaps during an obscure 3am hour on trinity university radio, krtu.
dashboard confessional - the places you have come to fear the most - 2001 - somewhere there is a teenage heart being broken, and they will listen to dashboard on repeat for the next 3 years straight. also, somewhere there is a 20-something screaming dashboard 'infidelities' at the top of their lungs in their car for reasons long forgotten...
bottom line is, you like music just because you do. you may not even know the words the the song, but that doesn't mean you're aren't justified in telling people just how amazing that certain track is. let's put it this way, i love radiohead. they're possibly the one of the best bands i've ever heard. in fact, if in some weird experiment i had to choose only one band that i could listen to for the rest of my life, it just might be radiohead. but i could never love radiohead as much as i love guns n roses. the reason i could never love radiohead as much as i love guns n roses is because i can never be 8 again. radiohead is not an extension of my life like guns n roses was. and no band ever will be. that kind of random mystical connection can only happen during those terrible, magical years of adolescense...when i could somehow convince myself that w. axl rose understood me, even though i didn't even understand his lyrics. i can't tell you the last time i listened to their 'appetite' album...and i don't know if i ever will again. but i can tell you that music is all about preference and experience; whether it be black flag or van halen, radiohead or guns n roses.
i could probably keep going, and perhaps someday i will... but i think i've walked far enough down memory lane for now. i'm pretty sure just about everyone has a list of songs and albums in their head that "rock" and that they can tie to a certain time, age or event. feel free to share... i may not be able to sing well or be talented enough to play a single musical instrument, but i love talking about music. welcome to the jungle...
"obviously, the kid at the black flag show is a bit of an independent, investigative thinker. he or she probably had to read about black flag in a fanzine, and he or she can look past glossy production to see the gist of a band. that takes a certain independence of thought and a leap of imagination. someone who makes their way to a black flag concert in 1981 is obviously different then the kind of kid who's at van halen, because the van halen kid only reads mainstream publication and listens to the radio, so that's all he knows. for the person who goes to the black flag show, music is probably more important to them. but that's not a value judgement about them as a human being."
but isn't it? how can you tell me that the kid who goes to the black flag show appreciates music more because he had to do more research? while it's very possible that these two hypothetical kids like black flag and van halen for completely different reasons, isn't it also completely possible that they like these bands for the exact same reason too? and that reason would be, because in their minds they are saying "these guys freaking rock!!!"
bottom line is, it's up to the individual listener. if they think it rocks, then it rocks. below are some examples of music that has 'rocked' my life:
guns n roses - appetite for destruction - 1987 - i got this cassette for Christmas, and it changed my life forever. instantly, i feel in love with it. it rocked! i had no idea what any of the songs were really about 'til years later. to me, the meaning of the song was, and still is unimportant - what's important is the childhood memory of listening to and loving rock n roll.
bon jovi - new jersey - 1988 - i loved this album because it was almost tough enough to be rock n roll - but my sister liked it - so that combination made it cool. side note about my sister's (jennifer's) musical taste - she use to have an entire wall in her bedroom full of new kids on the block pics cut out of tiger beat and bop! so perhaps my memory of her taste in music is a bit off, but bon jovi still rocks!
alabama - mountain music - 1982 - i borrowed (without asking) one of their cassettes from my aunt toni years ago - this instantly became my favorite country group - i even went as far as to imagine that my friends and i were in the band. random side note of aunt toni...my family use to frequent a bar called the outdoorsman...that's right, a child in a bar, big whoop. it was more of a living room than a bar. anywho, i use to love playing shuffleboard, but before she "allowed" me to play, i had to sit on her lap as she played survivor's eye of the tiger on the jukebox...and i'd have to sing every word to her beforehand. in my childhood memory, this situation occured approximately 487 times, but in reality it was probably closer to 2. gotta love a child's imagination!
fine young cannibals - good thing - 1989 - back when my cousin mary katherine was an infant we all (jodey, susan, jacob, amy, kyle, mary katherine, jennifer and myself) piled into the burkholders surburban and headed for lake lbj. about halfway into the drive, good thing comes on the radio... instantly everyone gets "sleeping baby" excited. you know, when there's a baby sleeping, but you want to celebrate and make noise, so you bounce around in excitement without making any actual noise. well, during the chorus, there is repetitive clapping in the song...well, guess who doesn't know how to "sleeping baby" clap...yours truly. needless to say, i was excited, clapped as loud as possible, and woke up mary katherine. to this day i can't hear that song without bringing back memories of evil looks i received after waking a sleeping child...and perhaps this is why i can't clap on beat.
c&c music factory - gunna make you sweat - 1990 - a quick hit and off they were, but gunna make you sweat (everybody dance now) was a hit at an imporant time in my life. see, girls liked c&c, i liked girls, thus i liked c&c - everybody dance now!
screaming trees - sweet oblivion - 1992 - this was the first CD i ever bought (read: that i convinced my mom to buy me, thanks mom!)...and to this day its still one of my all time favorite albums. just opening that CD case for the first time. i can still smell the way the disc, plastic case and paper lyrics & liner notes smelled for the first time. i will never forget that smell.
hum - you'd prefer an astronaut - 1995 - i will always attribute this album to my last boring, jobless summer. i listened to this album practically every single day that summer. i'd sit at home, pop that cd in the stereo and play TPC golf all day. occasionally i'd switch it out for the nixons- foma - 1995 - but i always went back to my favorite. another random side note: my friend joe use to have a band in college up at baylor called identikit. my friend rick and i went up there a couple times to check them out, party, etc. everytime we saw them live, they played a song called stars, by hum. i had always loved this song...it was by far the best song on the album (and is now in the new cadillac commercial with kate walsh (the red head) from grey's anatomy and private practice). one night after his show i asked him why he decided to play a cover of stars over any other song. his answer blew me away at the simplicity of it. "because it's a cool song". i suppose that the point of this entire blog. if the listener thinks it's cool, the it's cool.
tripping daisy - i'm an elastic firecracker - 1995 - reminds me of my junior year of high school...and i can't listen to nada surf - high/low - 1996 - without recalling countless memories from my senior year. in fact, i'm sure if i tried hard enough, i could probably find an album that would sum up practically every year of my life...trip along...
one of my favorite movies of all time, high fidelity, introduced me to a couple bands that i instantly fell in love with... belle and sebastian - tigermilk - 1996 - and the beta band - the three EPs - 1998 - now, i probably never would have heard of these 2 bands if it wasn't for this movie, so that is just an added bonus to an already great movie. quickly, high fidelity is a movie about love, music and the love of music...plus john cusack is in it, so it can't be that bad, right. unfortunately, bands like belle and sebastian and the beta band would never be played on the radio in san antonio, except for perhaps during an obscure 3am hour on trinity university radio, krtu.
dashboard confessional - the places you have come to fear the most - 2001 - somewhere there is a teenage heart being broken, and they will listen to dashboard on repeat for the next 3 years straight. also, somewhere there is a 20-something screaming dashboard 'infidelities' at the top of their lungs in their car for reasons long forgotten...
bottom line is, you like music just because you do. you may not even know the words the the song, but that doesn't mean you're aren't justified in telling people just how amazing that certain track is. let's put it this way, i love radiohead. they're possibly the one of the best bands i've ever heard. in fact, if in some weird experiment i had to choose only one band that i could listen to for the rest of my life, it just might be radiohead. but i could never love radiohead as much as i love guns n roses. the reason i could never love radiohead as much as i love guns n roses is because i can never be 8 again. radiohead is not an extension of my life like guns n roses was. and no band ever will be. that kind of random mystical connection can only happen during those terrible, magical years of adolescense...when i could somehow convince myself that w. axl rose understood me, even though i didn't even understand his lyrics. i can't tell you the last time i listened to their 'appetite' album...and i don't know if i ever will again. but i can tell you that music is all about preference and experience; whether it be black flag or van halen, radiohead or guns n roses.
i could probably keep going, and perhaps someday i will... but i think i've walked far enough down memory lane for now. i'm pretty sure just about everyone has a list of songs and albums in their head that "rock" and that they can tie to a certain time, age or event. feel free to share... i may not be able to sing well or be talented enough to play a single musical instrument, but i love talking about music. welcome to the jungle...
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